Friday, October 9, 2009

Aaaaand...You're Blocked, Part II

While I am consistently annoyed by teenagers' thoughtless musings, at least they all come with a built-in excuse. They're young. Most of them will grow out of that behavior. What's far more troubling are the myriad adults I've blocked from my feed, almost all for the same reason: They're boring.

The problem with Facebook's status update function is the question is asks is so inviting and open-ended. "What's on your mind?" it inquires, prompting legions of uninteresting people to publish for the world their uninteresting thoughts. If I ran Facebook, the prompt would be changed to "Write something here that someone besides you would actually care about." That would cut down on so much nonsense.

I've been thinking all day about all the ways people have been hidden for boring the crap out of me, and I came up with so many, I honestly don't think I have the time or memory to write them all. But I'll give it my best shot.

- People who take quizzes and post them. If this blog were Family Feud, this would be far and away the #1 answer as to why people get blocked from my feed. I'm convinced the folks who create these despicable things are terrorists bent on making America dumber and more self-involved, superficial quiz after superficial quiz. That would totally explain the lack of usage and grammar skills in them, wouldn't it?

Look, I can understand boredom and self involvement. If you have nothing better to do than spend your time seeking and filling out these things, so be it (I honestly don't even know how to find them, other than when they're posted on my feed by others). I'm not going to claim that my leisure time activities are any more meaningful.

But for the love of God, what are you thinking when you choose to post them to your feed?

"Oh, man. Everyone's gonna totally flip when they find out what Disney princess I am!"

"My friends will be so jealous when they find out the Beatles song that best describes me is 'Paperback Writer!'"

"Damn, I thought I was a Charlotte! I better comment that I think this quiz calling me a Samantha is b.s. I don't want people to think I'm a slut."

I, too, crave attention. However, it has never once occurred to me to seek it by filling out and then posting one of these inane personality quizzes. If you're one of the people who designed a "How well do you know so-and-so?" quiz for yourself, ask someone for a hug next time. It's a much subtler way to obtain affirmation.

- The above rant also applies to posting whatever score you got on whatever game you just played; although, it doesn't annoy me as much, for whatever reason. Maybe because one time I took a grammar quiz that my sister sent me where I went 10 for 10. Can I get a WHAT WHAT???!!!

- Any cliche sayings. "Everything happens for a reason." "Live life to the fullest!" "Is proud to be an American." Have an original thought; apply for reinstatement to my feed. The people who "like" or give accolades to this drivel are the very worst kind of enablers.

- Generic, tedious stuff that applies to pretty much everyone. "Is looking forward to the weekend." Really? Not me. Tuesdays are the bomb! "Is enjoying this beautiful sunset." They have sunsets where you are? Crazy! "Loves kicking back with a glass of wine." Whoa, seriously? I thought that practice died with the Romans!

- Posting constantly about your wonderful spouse/significant other and how much you love him or her. It's the equivalent of internet PDA. Nobody wants to read about how great your relationship is. If he cheats on you with the babysitter, by all means, give us the sordid details.

- Parents who only write about their kids. "Can't believe Jayden just made the cutest noise!" "Is amazed that Sofia's almost standing up!" "Hopes I don't catch Connor's cold. Poor little guy!" This always makes me think of the Seinfeld episode when the gang is forced to go "come see the baby." We understand that your kid is precious to you, but if we're not related to you, odds are we don't care. Props to those who use the comedy their kids generate for entertaining status updates. Amongst my friends, Molly Topf and Alex Traverso come to mind.

- Relentless happiness, especially on weekdays. This is especially true for Facebookers without traditional employment. If the rest of us are slaving away on a Wednesday at 1:30, you better not be talking about how great the weather is in Napa while you're wine tasting. When you go on vacation, be careful about when you post cheery little updates, especially those with photos. If it's on a Monday morning, your friends just might want to murder you.